end of 2016

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3 days before the end of 2016 my phone died on me. Well not really, but that’s how I’m choosing to describe it. What happened was the circuit board malfunctioned and now I’m using an old backup phone The woman at the Apple store said there’s no way to determine the cause of the malfunction and could be due to a number of things: a bug from an insecure website or repeatedly using my phone while charging. Apparently we’re not supposed to use our phones when its charging. Ironically I’m still using my replacement phone and charging it at the same time, but that’s because the battery depletes like 10 times faster given how old it is! It goes from 20% to 2% in 2 hours, what the hell is going on =_=

I wasn’t able to receive or make calls, not receive or send texts. I was devastated more by the loss of all the photos and videos. About 80% of it is backed up but not the rest because when I updated my phone months ago it wasn’t connecting to my laptop and I still haven’t found a way to fix it without buying a new one. All the memories in there, with friends, family, events, dance and selfies (yes selfies yes the damn selfies as well my best looking moments are in selfies). Anyway, I see the loss of my phone as the start of something new. There are a few things in that phone that I shouldn’t be holding on to anyway. Screenshots of messages from people who’ve left my life, for one. I don’t know why I still keep them but maybe on Wednesday God decided that enough was enough and swooped in for the kill. I feel almost relieved actually to know that those screenshots are gone for good. I was having a hard time letting go.

Anyway, 2016 is ending and all that new year new me shenanigans has been sprouting up left and right since Christmas ended. Instead of doing New Year resolutions for this post, I’ll make a list of things I learned in 2016 and end it with a list of advice I intend to take for myself in 2017.

Things I Learned in 2016

  1. You win when you choose not to play with a toxic person. Sometimes the best way is to walk away and leave them be.
  2. Pay attention to their actions and not their words.
  3. How you feel about yourself is more important than what others feel about you.
  4. There will be some people in your life who are temporary, but by God they are the ones that teach you some of the greatest lessons than you can ever have.
  5. When people walk away from your life despite whatever efforts you put in, let them: they’re not meant to be in your life.
  6. Heartbreak isn’t always caused by someone else. Sometimes heartbreak is self-inflicted.
  7. Closure doesn’t come from another person. Closure comes from within.
  8. Beauty IS indeed in the eye of the beholder.
  9. Don’t expect anything from anyone.
  10. Nothing serious = sex only. No matter what he says. That’s it end of story
  11. Stop running back to things and people that you know will leave you hurt, no matter how familiar or comforting it is.
  12. Don’t live for the praise or applause of others. Be and do things for yourself. Others will be there for you forever.
  13. Love comes when it will, not when you ask it.

 

To Remember in 2017

  1. Put myself first
  2. Take charge of my own life and goals
  3. Stay away from fuckboys and toxic lovers.
  4. Take more charge and courage in my decisions
  5. Work on my relationship with my food and body.
  6. When it comes to relationships, pay attention to their actions and not their words
  7. Spend more time with my true friends
  8. Live the life that makes ME happy, not the one that others think I should.
  9. Give myself the freedom to start being human and show people my more vulnerable side. I don’t always have to hold it together.
  10. Work more on accepting the physical aspects of myself that I lack confidence in. Remember we live only once and we should live not for the applause and praise of others.
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stop trying so hard

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Why are we trying so hard to fit in? Why do all want to lose weight and get thin? Why do restrict our food (only to binge after) and constantly work out in the gym to get a good body? Why do we care about what other people think about us? Why do we care so much about how many likes we get on Facebook and Instagram? Why do we care whether or not other people see as beautiful and thin? Why do we care about wanting to look a certain way and be a certain way?

Through my years of struggling with my eating disorder and body image issues, I’ve come to realize that much of my problems stem from a desire to look a certain way and gain social approval from others. Blame social media and the current body and beauty trends if you will, but it seems the type of body gaining lots of positive comments are “slim and lean” and “small waist, big booty”. I ask you to take a look at Instagram and look to popular social media influencers such as fashion bloggers and fitness models, and let me know what the most common body type is. I ask you to take a look at beauty pageants, at Hollywood and television and I ask you to tell me what the body type that gains the most positive attention. I ask you to look at magazines and tell me whether you see more titles telling you to embrace your body instead of dieting and losing 10 pounds and how to disguise your flabby belly.

The glamorization of certain female body types are harmful, to say the least. It triggers unrealistic expectations and undeserved body comparisons. It makes many of dislike our bodies and think negative thoughts. We start living the get a body because we want the same validation. After all, who doesn’t want to be complimented and admired and revered? Humans have an innate need for social approval and validation. We want to be accepted, to be liked and to fit in. But at what cost?

It doesn’t matter whether or not we have a curvy figure or not. It doesn’t matter if we don’t have long toned slim legs. It doesn’t matter if have a belly that jiggles and folds that we sit. If I do, does  it mean I’m less of a woman? How am I being judged based on how flat my belly is or not?

We need to stop thinking that being thinner, being curvier, being taller or having certain body types or certain appearances will make us happier. As someone who’s spent years trying to look a certain way, I can honestly tell you that you will be wasting your time. You can never be thin enough or curvy enough or sexy enough for some people. We’re not put on Earth to physically please others with our looks. The only thing that makes us happy, is to live our lives doing what we love without the validation of others.

You are allowed to live and be here and be present in your whole authentic self. You are allowed to post those “unflattering” photos of yourself on Instagram. You are allowed to leave the house without makeup (but with sunblock!) because you don’t need to wear makeup to be yourself! You are allowed to wear a bikini and cropped tops even if you aren’t skinny. You are allowed to be wholly you because you deserve to be here. You are allowed to love what you see in the mirror. 

Stop trying to please others and live for others. Live for ourselves instead. The more we keep trying to live up to the expectations of others in order to gain approval and validation, we slowly begin to lose ourselves. We begin to live for other people’s approval. Our self-worth becomes dependent on them; without it, we don’t feel good about ourselves.

Let’s just and stop sacrificing our happiness and sanity to live up to a certain beauty ideal. Live for ourselves, and live to be the best version that we can be without conforming to the pressures of beauty ideals. Because, fuck its exhausting.

The ones who accept us only if we look a certain way, aren’t the ones who should be in our lives The ones who accept us no matter what shape and size we are, are the ones who truly care for us.

NEDA Week 2016

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As Eating Disorders Awareness Week comes to an end, I am taking the last few hours of this day to think about how my life has changed ever since I entered recovery.

At age 17, I started dieting to lose weight. When the weight refused to come off I went to more extreme and unstable methods to drop the pounds. I would skip meals, cut out for groups, count calories and run for hours on end. I was scared to eat out, refused to eat sweets and choose salads for meals, only to return home later and binge.

At 20, I began purging and I started getting depressed. I did my best to maintain my grades – which I did – but I was slowly drowning. I’d wake promising myself I wouldn’t binge, but I’d fail. I hated the way my body looked and refused to dress in anything other than black. I hated taking pictures. I wanted to lose weight. I was scared of food.

At 21, I became suicidal. I knew I needed help, but I was afraid of telling my mother. At 21, you’re supposed to be young and free, living your life with adventures and milkshakes, laughing at your mistakes and falling in love and traveling with friends. You’re not supposed to be suicidal at 21.

At 22, I started going for therapy, saw a dietician and trying to turn my life around. My psychologist stayed with me for 1 year to help me work on my issues but unfortunately, my eating did not get any better.

At 23, I doubled up my efforts in recovering. I was going through heartbreak and in an effort to reinvent myself, I focused on becoming a better person. Instead of focusing on eating, I focused on mindfulness and discovered the meaning & importance of self-love.

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Every since then my eating has slowly improved. I immersed myself in the eating disorder recovery and body positive community for support and am slowly emerging from my self-created prison. I’m learning to reject the standards of beauty society has, surrounding myself with people who encourage and support me throughout my journey & working on embracing my body for what it is. I’m learning to define myself in more than just physical looks. I’m slowly finding my confidence, becoming the woman I want to be, becoming more experimental with my clothing and style to express myself because my low self-esteem and self-hatred prevented me from embracing my identity.

I’ve been recovering for 3 years now, and I am still recovering. I don’t know whether I will fully recover in the future and I’m scared to think that one day I will relapse, but I tell myself that no matter how hard it is I will keep going. I will try to embrace every bit of my body and imperfections because I do not ever wish to return to the girl I was 5 years ago. I’ve tasted freedom and I want it. Sure there are days when I choose to eat less because I felt bloated and disgusting, and yes there are days when I hate my body and want to curl under my blankets, and yes I have moments when I compare myself to other girls wishing I had her body and okay there are times when I choose to exercise because I wanted to lose weight to be skinnier. But that’s ok because no one said recovery was going to be easy.

I’m not perfect and all that matters at the end of the day is that I choose recovery over quitting. 

I’m not fully recovered, but everyday I do my best to be the best version I can be and do my best to stick to the habits that promote recovery instead of those that support my disorder because I am worth, and deserve to live a life free from an eating disorder. I am not meant to be dieting and starving and crying. Life is not meant try fitting into a small size, gain approval and validation from others, & comparing yourself to other people wishing you were taller, skinnier, leaner and/or prettier.

I don’t want to be spending the rest of my life worrying about whether or not I ate too much, whether I’m skinny enough and pretty enough, how much exercise I should do to burn off all those calories. Instead I am meant to spread my wings and fly to live my life, gain experiences, make the  mistakes I’m supposed to make in my 20s so I can look back and laugh til I cry, go on whirlwind adventures, fall in love, dance to my heart’s content, wear my favorite outfits without shame or embarrassment, watch sunsets, dance in the rain (yes I love doing that), watch cupcake tutorials without feeling guilt and eat exotic food.

I am not meant to be defined by my weight, my size or my physical appearance. I am more than that. Ever since embarking on recovery I have started defining myself by my strength, my loyalty, my determination, my sass, my passion and the love in my heart.

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To all those out there on the path of recovery – you are worth recovery. You deserve to live a fulfilled life and you deserve happiness. It will be challenging, it will be difficult, it will be effortful and it will be painful, but you will find strength from your struggles and you will realize that the person that emerges from the ashes is one who is awesome and who is powerful, and you will begin to wonder why you haven’t met him/her sooner, and you will want to continue seeing how much this person will grow and see who this person will finally become. 

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Choose recovery. Choose happiness. Choose acceptance. Choose self-love. Choose life. 

Valentine’s Day: celebrating self-love

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For as long as I can remember I hated Valentine’s Day. Seeing all these happy couples doing cheesy things like holding hands and cuddling and girls carrying stuffed animals and giant bags full of gifts made me want to projectile-vomit and cut my eyes out because it felt like too much cheesy romantic things. Also, I didn’t need a reminder that I was single.

This year however I’m experiencing a different sort of emotion about Valentine’s Day. Yeah sure there’ll be the usual barrage of annoying couples doing annoying stuff(ugh), but somehow this month I’ve been reflecting on the many events I’ve been pt through that have tested and helped develop my character, and I’ve come to marvel at how much I’m learning what it really means to love yourself.

Loving yourself isn’t just about talking positive about yourself and having a healthy amount of confidence. Loving yourself also involves doing things that remind you of your self-worth & doing things that contribute to your own happiness.

So many young girls and women these days struggle to love themselves because they experience low self-esteem and low confidence, thereby making them feel unworthy of love. They judge themselves too much, compare themselves to unrealistic standards of physical attractiveness and engage in unhealthy behaviors (e.g. excessive exercising or disordered eating patterns) in order to fit into a mold set forth by society, all because they can’t accept and love themselves for the way they are right now.

This Valentine’s Day I’m taking a different approach. Instead of celebrating love for a guy I intend to celebrate love for myself. The many years I’ve spent struggling with an eating disorder and poor body image has made me realize that many of the things I’ve done were done out of self-hatred. Starving myself, binging, cutting, criticizing my looks, obsessively counting calories, rejecting compliments, hiding under ugly baggy clothes, were all things that were done out of self-hatred. When you love yourself, you nourish your body right rather than starve yourself. When you love yourself, you don’t punish your body for eating because of the unnecessary excessive guilt it inflicts upon you. When you love yourself, you dress to express your personality instead of hiding your body out of shame.

Also, this Valentine’s Day I’m celebrating my capacity for self-love by recognizing my worth and value as a woman. I’ve abandoned toxic relationship because my worth as a person, be it as a friend or romantic partner, wasn’t being sufficiently recognized and was making me unhappy. Through various situations I’ve faced & that has tested me, I’ve learned to recognize my self-worth, remind myself of the value that I am, be kind to myself & not disrespect myself in any way by compromising my beliefs to please others. When you love yourself, you are kind to yourself & make choices that you’re comfortable with. When you love yourself, you don’t change to please others; you be yourself and the right people will come to you. When you love yourself, you come to realize that self-criticism is a dangerous method of self-destruction & you mindfully engage in less of it.  

This Valentine’s Day, learn to fall in love with and embrace your imperfections, your flaws, the physical parts of your body that you want to change, your fears, your insecurities, your quirks because they are what make you uniquely you.

This Valentine’s Day, appreciate the love and passion that rests in your soul. Appreciate how sensitive you are, how kind you are, how loyal you are, how loving you are, and how giving you are. Don’t let heartbreak and loneliness douse the fire in your heart. Appreciate that you make mistakes & learn from them because you’re human. Appreciate that you can never be as strong as you want to be all the time, and allow yourself to be vulnerable and learn from being outside your comfort zone.

Finally, this Valentine’s Day, this photoshoot is to celebrate my love for myself because after years of hating my body, I want to live in the moment and enjoy exactly how fabulous and great I felt in that smashing bodysuit and tights.

“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.”

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Happy 2016!

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Happy 2016! I can’t believe how fast time has gone, that a year has gone by in a flash, that so many events have happened in the span of a year but it seems like it all happened within months instead.

I haven’t blogged in the longest time ever. I usually need bursts of inspiration to be able to chug out a meaningful post and I suppose I’ve been going through some events with regards of eating and body that have sucked up my writing juices.

Anyway, before I embark on “welcome to the new year” reflection post, I’m entering 2016 dressed in an outfit inspired by the fashions of the 1950s. That era showcased women with swishy swing dresses, full skirts, pin up dresses, cropped tops, cigarette and capri pants & for some strange reason, bullet bras (think Madonna’s cone bra that John Paul Gaultier made for her).

I love how feminine the 50s fashion looks and I so decided to pair these cropped jeggings with my green halter and blue cardigan. I threw the bow-tie headband at the very last minute and I think it brings out the feminine playful vibe of the era.

I never thought I’d do cropped/capri pants as I thought I’d emphasize my muscular calves which gave me second thoughts but hey hey after months of learning to restructure my negative thought patterns, I just decided to f*** it and wear it because I like the overall look of it. The only drawback I have about the pants is that they are jeggings, are slightly tight at the waistband, but a good comfortable fit around my thighs. One size up and the jeggings hang loose on me. UGH. Frustrating. I’m now on the lookout for cropped jeans because I think I prefer a stiffer fabric so if anyone in Singapore reading this can recommend places to get good cropped pants or jeans ending above the ankle, HELP A GIRL OUT THANKS.

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I’m not going write a long-winded post elaborating the events that happened in 2015 and detailing the lessons I’ve learned, but I do want to list down some of the events I’ve experienced that, looking back, seemed quite significant

  • Performed at the Singapore International Latin Festival 2015.
  • Took not 1, but 2, solo trips to Japan (Osaka & Kyoto) and Thailand (Bangkok)
  • Got my first tattoo.
  • Graduated with 2nd upper class Honors.
  • Got to see Yanis Marshall perform live.
  • Taught Introductory Psychology to secondary school students as part of a temporary work stint at my former school.
  • Got into 2 performance teams (Ladies’ Junior Styling & Alma Latina)
  • Finally forgave myself for my a past mistake that I didn’t realize had been emotionally and mentally weighing me down.
  • Re-discovered my self worth by choosing to walk away from a casual relationship
  • Stepping out my comfort zone more and experimenting with more makeup and clothing choices
  • Wore a swimsuit (a monokini) for the first time in years. 
  • Going on more informal photoshoots.

 What seemed like negative events which I wished had never happened had strangely enough, turned out to be blessings in disguise. Not only did some (1) give me more time to be able to pursue and train more in dance, (2) grant me more time to establish closer bonds with my family & (3) allow me to make more new friends in the dance scene – some of whom have been unlikely sources of wisdom and helped in personal growth, some have also tested my character and pushed me to become a stronger, better and wiser woman more cognizant of what she is worth, what she deserves and what she should and shouldn’t do in similar situations.

I’ve also been going through episodes that continue to challenge the way I think about my body that is pushing me to alter my thoughts about my body shape. I’m continuing to try and make peace with my body and being less critical of it and am realizing that its getting slightly easier to reframe my negative thoughts into more positive one.

Additionally, I’ve been thrown into a couple of phases during which I abandoned mindful eating and started overeating, causing weight fluctuations and mood swings which have definitely made me realize that I need work more on body acceptance and what it really means to eat mindfully and healthily.

I don’t have resolutions for 2016. Instead I have goals. Intentions. Positive calls to shift and grow and make me a better empowered person. Some of which include:

  1. Training and improving my dance
    • Get better at chaine turns (traveling spins)
    • Work on musicality
    • Find my personal dance style
  2. Read 2 books per month
  3. Continue working on self-acceptance and mindful eating because recovery is a lifelong journey with unexpected paths, twists and turns.
  4. Be a more conscious shopper and purchase clothes that are versatile as opposed to buying many one-off statement pieces.
  5. Blog more about my journey toward body positivity and eating disorder recovery!
  6. Take more risks & learn from them.

I realize the last listing may not be considered a goal, but more of a challenge. But I do think risk-taking is an essential element to growth. A friend wisely told me: ” Taking risks is so fundamental to human nature. Curiosity and exploration is what makes us human. Closing ourselves off from the possibility of experience because of fear/worry, would lead to many paths untaken.” No risks = no journeys taken = no lessons learned.

Also, I really do I gotta blog more about my body positivity journey and the triumphs, challenges and lessons of my eating disorder recovery. I realized there was a burst of posts about body image earlier this year, which slowly faded off as the year came to an end because I was going through some personal work-related issues that drained the life out of me. Hopefully this year things will be better and I can spread more messages about body love and acceptance ❤

Happy New Year all! What are your goals for body positivity and ED recovery in 2016? Let me know I wanna hear them! Til the next blog post (soon I promise!)

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on turning 24: reflections & life lessons

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Yes people, I am officially 24 years old! I can’t believe how fast time has gone by. I can’t believe where I am in my life right now. I can’t believe I’ve graduated. I can’t believe how much things have changed and will actually continue to change in the future. Young adulthood is just so exciting yet scary at the same time.

As I sit at my desk writing out this post, I can’t help but beam at how wonderful my 24th birthday has been. On Wednesday I went out and bought myself a bag bags a a personal birthday treat, before spending a fabulous time dancing salsa at a weekly dance social at one of the dance schools I go to for salsa lessons. On Thursday, I was bombarded with lots of texts, messages and well wishes from lovely friends and family. I was surprised to see that both my dad and sister had sent me really touching birthday texts, considering that I don’t actually recall them doing so last year. Also, since my sister was at work and my dad’s in Japan now, my mum bought a chocolate hazelnut cake and sang me a birthday song after breakfast. In the afternoon, my two best friends Shu & Zee surprised me by unexpectedly turning up at my home while I was napping with a bunch of beautiful orange roses and a bag of chocolatey goodies along with lots of love (OH MY GOD GUYS I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED). I was so touched because aside from the wonderful gesture and extravagant gifts, Zee put her fear of dogs on hold to come all the way from her home to send me love! (SOB). And then finally after dinner my best friend & I caught Tomorrowland at the cinema.

Friday was also an ex-colleague/ex-teacher’s birthday so Shu and I went back to our old school where we used to work and got together with our colleagues for WP’s “surprise” birthday dinner at a casual restaurant next to the overlooking the reservoir. I thought it was going to a day focused on WP but it turns out the team had also decided to do a mini-belated birthday celebration for me and I ended up celebrating my birthday a second time with WP! Seriously what?! There was fantastic chocolate cake (oh my god so good seriously what kind of cake have I been eating before this one?! Thank you Gaby for introducing Chocolate Origin to me.), mini burgers, fries, mocktails, cute balloons, dogs, a gorgeous sunset, fantastic company and lots of love, light & laughter.

It was just magnificent. I was, and am still so overwhelmed at how different my birthday was as compared to last year’s. When I turned 23 I was at a very low point in my life. I was still raw from heartbreak, filled with intense regret, worthlessness, pity and experiencing a loss of shame and dignity. I had a birthday treat from Shu and Zee, and had a low-key birthday celebration at home with the family, but it certainly wasn’t filled with the same amount of love as this year.

Sometimes the realization that I’m now 24, graduated and poised to enter the workforce has tends to make me briefly reflect on all the events and challenges in my life that have shaped me to become who I am right now. The year I turned 23 was a challenging time for me. I’ve lost a lot, cried a lot, gained a lot, & learned a lot. I look back and cringe at all the mistakes I made that make, laugh at all the blunders that now seem so hilarious (wow I was so back then) & smile at old memories.

I’ve learned to appreciate all the smaller things in life now. I can stop in the middle of the street and stare up at the dazzling clouds in the skies streaked with the colors of sunset for 15 minutes, just wondering in amazement at how beautiful it is. Now I try to find the smallest of blessings & joy in situations to gain appreciation & grow in happiness.

Here some things that I really got to truly understand better that helped me gain maturity & wisdom & grow as a person & understand life a little better:

You can keep going long after you think you can’t. 

I’ve had an eating disorder since I was 17. These past 7 years not only have I been coping with an eating disorder, I went through depression, self-harm, severe body image issues, suicidal tendencies & low self-esteem. For 7 years I can’t count the number of times I’ve promised myself and I’ll stop dieting the next day and eat better, only to end up crying into my eyes because I binged again. I can’t count the number of times I looked in the mirror & end up crying & cutting myself because I didn’t see someone naturally pretty, naturally tall & naturally skinny. I’ve cut myself because I hate my rolls and my flabs, because I felt overwhelmed by the amount of pressure in school driven by my then incredibly high level of perfectionism & need for control. I went through a phase where I felt stripped of my pride, my shame & my dignity. I felt devalued like second hand goods and suffered intense regret, heartache, sadness, anger & betrayal. When I lost my heart, I lost my identity. I fell, got back up, but then fell again with each new blow I received & struggled so much to stay strong and get back up. Throghout these 7 years in very single slip, every single fall and every single struggle I asked myself “I can’t get through this. Its not possible. I’m going to die. This thing is going to kill me. I can’t do this anymore. Why must I suffer like this? Does God even exist?” But with each unexpected obstacle that threw me to the ground, be it via triggers, flashbacks or actual events that took place, after each binge and slip, somehow life moved on. I found myself just fighting for my sanity everyday and lying in bed at the end of day thankful that I got through the last 24 hours. Its when I realized: it really is mind over matter. You will gain nothing but unhappiness & pure distress about agaozning about the future; about whether you will make it the next 6 months, next month, next week or even the next day. Focus on the 24 hours that you are given, and that’s where change will begin to occur.

Music cue: What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger.

Not everyone you lose is a lose. 

I was 23 years old was when I started to understand what it means to let go of people. I’ve learned that the ones who never drop by to ask how you are despite you asking them for years are ones that will eventually make you question: why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep asking about them when they don’t even make the same effort as me. If they wanted to be in your lives, they’ll ask. The ones that don’t make the same amount of effort as you to keep in touch with most likely won’t ever want to do so. I’ve also learned that burning bridges helps you move on to become a better & stronger person. It will hurt, but if that person at the other end of the bridge isn’t appreciating you, not giving you what you deserve, giving you pain &/or reminding you of unhappiness, then a goodbye is worth it because you will no longer be held back.

Closure doesn’t exist. You will simply move on. 

Psychology has taught me that humans have a need for closure, to seek answers to ambiguous situations & questions in their lives that makes them feel empty and anxious on the inside because without it, they feel a loss of control. Shit happens many times and as much as we’re driven to get answers to figure out why it happened, the answer will never be enough. You become overwhelmed by the emotions of it, but slowly we come to let it pass.

Friends who have seen you fall & stayed to help you get back on your feet are friends you should keep and appreciate.

These are people who are rare and are people whom you need. They’ve seen you at your best and your best. They’ve watched you fall down and become a mess and they help you get back on your feet without want of a reward. Not just once. But all throughout the years. They entertain your rants & put up with your bullshit, but they still gave you the unconditional love and support you needed. There are only a few people in life who truly know our past and how it has shaped us and who have continued to be in our lives despite whatever obstacles there are; people who make the effort to stay next to you & support you. You’re an idiot if you don’t appreciate them.

You are how you choose to define yourself. 

You are either a victim of your circumstances or a survivor of your struggles. Change how you define yourself, and your attitude towards yourself will change.

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Now as I enter a new phase of adulthood, I’m struck by how much more I still have to learn about life. The challenges of adulthood make some of the problems & worries I experienced in the past few to be laughable now. In all honesty, I do have some anxiety about the working world. I still have yet to fully recovery from my eating disorder. I know little about life savings or financial stability or the complexities of marriage, but I will take those one day at a time as I go on with life. Graduating from college is the easiest part of life. Now I’ve to make my mark in the world and make a living. Make a living. Wow. No more skipping school when I have a “feel-fat” day or because the lecture is a boring one. This is the real deal. I pray that I have the knowledge & courage to be able to take risks and go through life, learn from my mistakes & gain wisdom and experience to help my journey as an adult. I also pray that I can continue showing strength & resilience in fighting my eating disorder and body image issues, avoid as many slips as I can & prevent a full relapse in the future.

I’m both anxious yet excited to see what else I can accomplish, what awaits me in the future & how much more in strength & wisdom I can grow as and in a person because when you’re not growing, you’re not living.

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Some of the birthday messages that began coming in…

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My aunt sent this to me. I was so touched by her message <3

My aunt sent this to me. I was so touched by her message that I teared up ❤

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My very conservative Chinese dad who doesn’t hug people nor express affection much must have been cringing when he read my reply.

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Chocolate cake with hazelnut cream filling!

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True friendship = when your best friend calls you to wish you a happy birthday then casually asks where you are, then appearing at your door 5 minutes later with your other best friend holding flowers and a bag of goodies while you were taking a nap

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The second birthday cake was a scrumptious smooth chocolate cake oozing with the best chocolate filling ever. LOOK AT THAT PERFECT CHOCOLATE SURFACE?!

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I was presented with my very own life-sized surprise Bambi birthday balloon! Okay fine it really wasn’t that big its just an optical illusion but its still so cute! It even comes with its own legs!

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Birthday boy WP got a penguin!

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The 2 ladies (along with Art who left early) who went all out to get this balloon! THANK YOU ❤

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Some of my favorite people

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Just taking a deer & a penguin for a walk 😀

My photographer deserves the highest honorable mention <3

My photographer deserves the highest honorable mention ❤

updates

#1

I’ve been under weather the past week, thanks to the insanely bipolar weather that Singapore is going through. Seriously, I’ve no clue what kabooz Mother Nature is unleashing upon humanity but it’d be great if she could stop because my flu is not getting any better. Strangely, it comes every alternate day. Curiouser and curiouser.

#2

travel

I’m going abroad next week! WHEEEE. It isn’t exactly the post-graduation trip I had in my mind but given my lack of funds to embark on a 3 month journey round the world, this 1 week vacation will have to suffice. And no I’m not going to the U.S, and I don’t think I ever want to go back to the U.S again to be honest, even if its for work. I want to go to other places and soak in other cultures. Jordan, Spain, Italy, Turkey, Scotland, Croatia, Romania, Venezuela, Hungary, Iran.

I’ve been asked, twice, whether my boyfriend will be accompanying me and the answer is  no because since when must a girl’s boyfriend accompany her on a getaway?! The decision to go on this 1 week getaway was incredibly spontaneous. I was just lying on my bed, and reassessing the things that have happened, and were happening in my life then. 2014 was a year of so many changes and I’ve really put in my own fights and tears. I’m tired, I realized. I need a goddamn break. So much has happened and I need to get away from this stifling place and just recharge and come back (hopefully) with fresh perspectives. So with the enthusiasm of a droid, I just got out of bed, went to the living room and was all “Ma I’m going on a holiday”. I was actually expecting her to just say okay and I really wasn’t expecting to have to defend my decision on the very spot. 

Why are you going to Japan? Why must you go to Japan? Are you going alone? Who are you going with? Where are you staying? Do you even need to go to Japan? Can’t you stay and clean out your bookshelf for me like I want you to because there are so many books? How long are you going there? Don’t tell me you’re going alone its not safe for girls to travel along anyway. 

God. Asian parents. Or rather, MY Asian parents. Well, technically my overprotective Eurasian mother. Her fears stem from the fact that she’s never really actually traveled by her lonesome and so she thinks girls traveling alone is a call for death.I didn’t want to bring up the fact that I’ve traveled to New York, Los Angeles, Washington D.C & Toronto by myself and I turned out fine. Well I could have run into trouble but I didn’t. 

Anyway I’m going. I can’t wait to just put things behind for a week and immerse myself in a new city, get lost, meet up with my friend & take in gorgeous scenery and recharge. Plus, I’d like to end off this section by expressing my gratitude to my parents for letting me go on this trip because I know without them, this poor broke college college kid wouldn’t have had the funds to go. So. Thanks ma and pop. I appreciate it I really do.

#3

grad

Post-graduation trip aside, I’ve my life to figure out. Sometmes I’m plagued with self-doubt with regards to my decision about not continuing to pursue higher education after my Bachelor’s just yet and working for a year first instead. Strange how I was so firm and unbending when I decided to abandon my initial plans of completing my Masters’ immediately after graduation, but I didn’t bank on the unexpected twist of events that I would experience in 2014 that actually made me realize how fucking tired I am of studying, and why I actually wanted to do a Masters in the first place. I don’t know what I want to do with my life yet, and the reason I wanted to pursue a Masters’ was because I was just following what my mother told me is the right thing to do. I don’t want to just study all the damn time people I want to travel the world and see new things and discover myself and other cultures. So the application period of graduate programs came up, I ignored it, of which I found so easy.

But now that I’m actually graduating, I don’t know what to do. What work will I do for a year? I’ve been looking, but nothing appeals to me, and the fact that I’ve been unable too find anything so far sometimes makes me wonder whether it would have been easier to just do a Masters straightaway and fudge everything. But no. I won’t do it. I won’t. I’m going to work for a year, earn my keep and bid Singapore goodbye as I travel to Europe for my well earned break. Self-discovery doesn’t seem to occur while you’re studying in school does it? Plus, t don’t want to ask my parents for money to fund my Europe escapade  because they’d tell me to stuff it. Travel grants and donations are out the question as in Singapore, you’ll get laughed at if you ask people to donate to your “cause” of “traveling to discover who you are” and unlike other countries there aren’t any organizations that willingly fund you and give you hold competitions with $10,000 grants as prize money to go abroad, even if its for charitable work. You want to go abroad, earn your own damn money because we’re not paying for you to do that.

I take comfort in the fact that other graduates likes myself are in the same crisis mode and that its perfectly okay to try around different jobs before settling on a proper one that you can foresee yourself doing for a long time. Its all part of the self-discovery process.

I think I’ll be fine.

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  • I’m currently reading Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte. The only reason I’m reading this book is because I want to see how well (or not) the movie plays up to the novel.
  • Did you know that some women crave cheese and other forms of dairy products before their period comes because they tend to release extra prostaglandins, you know, the hormones that make a woman’s uterus cramp up. I knew there’s a reason why I sometimes start craving cups of cheese and drinking milk because I don’t usually drink milk.
  • My new favorite Marvel movie franchise is the X-men series.
  • Michael Fassbender is quite possibly the sexiest man to exist on this planet (see video below for example). If there’s a clone of him out there, I’d really appreciate if if he could find me.

  • I was eating a snack while looking for another snack to eat.
  • The last academic research paper I read was about the psychology behind women’s sexual fantasies.
  • I am pro-choice but it doesn’t mean I outright and blatantly advocate abortion. It means I believe in women having choices. I shall do a post on this one day.
  • I support gay rights.
  • If it were my last day on Earth tomorrow, the last meal I would take would be a double cheeseburger with lots of cheese, cheese fries and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
  • I didn’t like Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. Not one bit.
  • I’d like to get a tattoo someday.
  • I’ve forgotten both my Tumblr password and username.