realization and liberation.

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Today I did something I never thought I’d do. This morning I sent a ruthless message to a all but one guy who had ghosted me. Be it after dates or talking, poof there they go without an explanation of why leaving me wondering what the hell went wrong. The one I left out is one who I’ve invested too much emotional energy in the past and I’ve finally accepted that this is a person who probably has never given a single thought about me nor cared for me to begin with. My message would only create more lies and manipulation and I have no more care for that.

Anyway, long story short, I wrote how I would have appreciated a simple “yes” or “no” or just even a departing goodbye sentence as to why they were choosing to leave instead of pulling a ball-less disappearing act on me. Some exact words I used were insensitive, dickless and spineless and I wished them a nice life.

I realize this sounds quite bratty and vengeful, 2016 hasn’t been well for me in terms of dating. I’ve put up with less than ideal behavior from guys and I never really stood up for myself and put my foot down to maintain my respect and dignity. I stoically accept it and walk away like a dog with its tail between its legs and walk away wondering what went wrong for days. But somehow this time was different. It was like something just suddenly rose in me and pushed for me to do this. And so I did.

I wasn’t expecting a response from any of them but to my amusement, they responded within the hour with an apology. I burst into laughter, both by the fact that they actually responded and by the reasons they gave. What did I get out of it, you may ask. Somehow, I got a renewed sense of self confidence, increased recognition of my self-worth and a boost in my self esteem. I also felt a sense of relief, that finally what I had always been fretting about was finally resolved.

Catharsis

 the act of releasing and providing relief from strong or repressed emotions

I’ve never been one to hold my ground in the dating world. I bend over backwards sometimes too much and forget that I’m worth something too, and that I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Today I fought for myself and reminded myself that I shouldn’t have to put up with such behavior from men ever again. Yes I’ve been ghosted by other men before when I was younger and it never bothered me, but I let that nonchalance carry over and in the process, I lost sight of how I deserve to be treated.

Self-love isn’t just about loving and treating your physical body right – its also about treating your mind right and knowing kind of behavior from others to reject and accept.