If there’s something that has been a strong defining (albeit ongoing) experience that has really challenged my character – and still doing so actually – in the past year, it would be dating. Man, that stuff can become so complicated especially when you’re a hopeless romantic with a sassy mouth but a helluva sensitive heart. I used to be envious of those girls who meet a guy and they instantly connect and spend the next few years together. However in the past year having gone out to various events, meeting various men and going on dates, I’m glad I’m not one of those girls because every single man I meet has put me to the test and taught me an important lesson about self-worth.
I’ve met guys who want nothing serious from me, guys who just want some fun and guys who like me but sadly I couldn’t reciprocate their feelings. And I’ve learned some important things that I hope to carry with me into the future without forgetting it.
I’ve made the mistake of trying to change myself, going back on my own promises of self-love and battling that inner rage in me. I’ve let my moments of inadequacy and loneliness let me get emotionally played over and over again and fuck yes I get angry when I think of how weak I can be, but then I realize that this just makes me human, and only makes me stronger one annoyingly slow degree at a time. Maybe this is just a lesson I still need to be learning. Maybe this is helping me become stronger because I’m not as strong as I should be yet.
I’ve ignored red flags and went against my better judgement hoping that something will change yet ended up feeling more confused than ever. I’ve gone back to the same bad boy over and over again when something doesn’t work out because hey, we all need some attention right?
Yeah scoff at it I don’t care because I know you’ve done it before. Sure it a mixture of loneliness, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, boredom, strong desire for love and emotional connection that made/makes me crazy, but when I take a step back, I think maybe I let myself get emotionally led because at the end of the day no matter how hurt and how tired I am, I hold on to hope. Hope that love will come to me.
I learned that I deserve the love that I give to others, and the right guy won’t make me question my worth or question my status in his life. I am not an option or a backup plan. I deserve someone who makes a place for me in his life, who will move mountains to come see me at the end of a long day even if he’s tired because he’s excited about wanting to share the day with and hear about mine. Someone who feels lucky in his life to have me because while I annoy him with my fickle-mindedness and need him to just friggin talk to me about his feelings, he still wants to share his life with me. Someone who challenges and motivates me to become a better woman. Someone who accepts my past and is willing to carry my struggles and help see them through with me. I deserve someone who wants me not because of my looks, but because I bring a smile to his face when he thinks of my quirks. Someone who chooses me every day and night and who fights for me.
That’s right. I want a man to fight for me because I’ve settled for men who wouldn’t fight for me even though they want me.
I don’t deserved to be half-loved. I don’t deserve someone who leaves than comes back one too many times because he’s run out of options.
I have a heart so pure that sometimes I cant help but fall deeply. I know what I can give, but I’ve settled for less than what I deserve because let’s be honest, I struggle with feelings of self-woth at times. When loneliness takes over, feelings cloud my judgment and my strong desire for emotional connection fucks me over. To let go is a big feat. I’m still letting go but I know that there is someone out there who will one day feel lucky that I’ve given them my heart, that I am willing to shoulder their burdens with them even though he’s not perfect because it takes two to tango.
My ability to love with my heart isn’t a weakness. Its a strength not all men can endure. We women shouldn’t have to shoulder the full responsibility of turning boys into men. I’ve fallen for men afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves but I wear mine proud like a lion because that is my honest-to-God true self. A man who wants me will accept me for who I am rather than leave me for it. I hold on to hope that after all the messiness I put myself through, love will find me unexpectedly in all its glory and it will come without me knowing, without me seeking and without me questioning whether or not I will ever truly be able to find love again.