turning 25: learning about love

IMG_9187

IMG_9186

IMG_8964

If there’s something that has been a strong defining (albeit ongoing)  experience that has really challenged my character – and still doing so actually – in the past year, it would be dating. Man, that stuff can become so complicated especially when you’re a hopeless romantic with a sassy mouth but a helluva sensitive heart. I used to be envious of those girls who meet a guy and they instantly connect and spend the next few years together. However in the past year having gone out to various events, meeting various men and going on dates, I’m glad I’m not one of those girls because every single man I meet has put me to the test and taught me an important lesson about self-worth.

I’ve met guys who want nothing serious from me, guys who just want some fun and guys who like me but sadly I couldn’t reciprocate their feelings. And I’ve learned some important things that I hope to carry with me into the future without forgetting it.

I’ve made the mistake of trying to change myself, going back on my own promises of self-love and battling that inner rage in me. I’ve let my moments of inadequacy and loneliness let me get emotionally played over and over again and fuck yes I get angry when I think of how weak I can be, but then I realize that this just makes me human, and only makes me stronger one annoyingly slow degree at a time. Maybe this is just a lesson I still need to be learning. Maybe this is helping me become stronger because I’m not as strong as I should be yet.

I’ve ignored red flags and went against my better judgement hoping that something will change yet ended up feeling more confused than ever. I’ve gone back to the same bad boy over and over again when something doesn’t work out because hey, we all need some attention right?

Yeah scoff at it I don’t care because I know you’ve done it before. Sure it a mixture of loneliness, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, boredom, strong desire for love and emotional connection that made/makes me crazy, but when I take a step back, I think maybe I let myself get emotionally led because at the end of the day no matter how hurt and how tired I am, I hold on to hope. Hope that love will come to me.

I learned that I deserve the love that I give to others, and the right guy won’t make me question my worth or question my status in his life. I am not an option or a backup plan. I deserve someone who makes a place for me in his life, who will move mountains to come see me at the end of a long day even if he’s tired because he’s excited about wanting to share the day with and hear about mine. Someone who feels lucky in his life to have me because while I annoy him with my fickle-mindedness and need him to just friggin talk to me about his feelings, he still wants to share his life with me. Someone who challenges and motivates me to become a better woman. Someone who accepts my past and is willing to carry my struggles and help see them through with me. I deserve someone who wants me not because of my looks, but because I bring a smile to his face when he thinks of my quirks. Someone who chooses me every day and night and who fights for me.

That’s right. I want a man to fight for me because I’ve settled for men who wouldn’t fight for me even though they want me.

I don’t deserved to be half-loved. I don’t deserve someone who leaves than comes back one too many times because he’s run out of options.

I have a heart so pure that sometimes I cant help but fall deeply. I know what I can give, but I’ve settled for less than what I deserve because let’s be honest, I struggle with feelings of self-woth at times. When loneliness takes over, feelings cloud my judgment and my strong desire for emotional connection fucks me over. To let go is a big feat. I’m still letting go but I know that there is someone out there who will one day feel lucky that I’ve given them my heart, that I am willing to shoulder their burdens with them even though he’s not perfect because it takes two to tango.

My ability to love with my heart isn’t a weakness. Its a strength not all men can endure. We women shouldn’t have to shoulder the full responsibility of turning boys into men. I’ve fallen for men afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves but I wear mine proud like a lion because that is my honest-to-God true self. A man who wants me will accept me for who I am rather than leave me for it. I hold on to hope that after all the messiness I put myself through, love will find me unexpectedly in all its glory and it will come without me knowing, without me seeking and without me questioning whether or not I will ever truly be able to find love again.

World Eating Disorders Action Day – 9 facts I want you to know about EDs.

worthmore

Its said that if you want to change the world, all it takes is one small act to initiate much more major differences.

Today (June 2) marks the World Eating Disorders Action Day. a day that encourages us all to promote knowledge about eating disorders and encourage those struggling with it to seek treatment. When I think of what I want to tell others about eating disorders, the first thing I think of is that eating disorders can be deadly. I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since the age of 17 and its been a tumultuous journey filled with days where I angrily starve myself, gorge on food with tears running down my face at times, obsessively logging calories in a log book, forcing myself to exercise every single day and cutting my forearm, all of which eventually led to suicidal thoughts.

While anorexia is what comes to our mind when we think of eating disorders, it doesn’t mean all women have them. In fact, anorexia isn’t even the most commonly diagnosed form of eating disorder.And because eating disorder are so heavily misrepresented and misunderstood, such as being a “rich white girl’s problem” it’s important for others to know more about this illness in order to gain a better understanding of what other people are going through.

I started my journey blogging about my journey recovering from an eating disorder in 2014.  I look at what others have done to advocate eating disorder awareness and recovery and I sometimes think that I pale in comparison. These amazing men and women have and/or  raise funds, initiate campaigns, maintain active blogs and social media accounts and write book and poems all to inspire and help those suffering from this illness, yet I’ve done nothing amazing that sparks a major change and when I think about that, I feel a sense of dissonance.

Here I am, preaching about body positivity and wanting to raise awareness about eating disorder recovery but I’m barely doing any amazing feats and barely inspiring people. So what exactly have I done?

  1. Started a blog about my journey recovering from an eating disorder and promoting body positivity
    • 2 posts of which are interviews done with women who I follow on Instagram
  2. Run an Instagram and Twitter account dedicated to supplement my blog
  3. Volunteered once at a women’s organization and provided suggestions on revamping their body image program.

But now that I think about it, all these little things are something. I’ve taken action to raise awareness in my own ways within the limits of the available time and resources I have. I may not have gather thousands of followers on my social media platforms, but I know that somewhere out there, there is one person reading something I’ve blogged about  and decided that he/she will choose to continue fighting another day instead of giving up.

ee630173115bca1764baad5eb9b84033.jpg

There are so many ways you can take up to show your support for people struggling with this illness. Help a friend, talk or listen, write an essay, donate some funds, take part in campaigns. We may not be able to change the world in a day, but all it takes is one small action which can make a big difference in someone else’s life.

___________________

Do your part in raising awareness about eating disorders and helping to reduce and eventually end the stigma associated with it by taking the pledge here and sharing nine truths about eating disorders. Here’s my list of facts I want you to know:

  1. Eating disorders do not come in one size. They come in all shapes and sizes. I’m not skinny, but I have one.
  2. Eating disorders sometimes isn’t just about weight loss. Some people develop eating disorders in order to establish control over something negative in their life.
  3. The most common type of eating disorder affecting many people right now is called Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. 
  4. Anorexia typically begins at or just after puberty. Bulimia occurs in slightly older females, typically around 18. I developed bulimia-like behaviors at the age of 20.
  5. People in certain professions, such as dancers and models are more likely to develop eating disorders as compared to others. 
  6. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rates of any mental illness. In other words, you are more likely to die if you suffer from an eating disorder than if you suffer from depression.
  7. Pregnant women with eating disorders have a higher chance of developing gestational diabetes. Their babies are also at increased risk of developing neurological impairments and neuropsychiatric diseases.
  8. A “wait-and-see” approach to helping someone with an eating disorder does not help. It only delays recovery.
  9. Everyone fighting an eating disorder is brave.