Have you ever had that feeling where you’re happy in life but afraid at the same time because you know something bad might very likely happen because you know happiness is too good to be true? Not “Lucy in the sky with diamonds” happy. But…”contented” happy. The kind that comes after a storm and the raging waters have calmed down and you’re just merrily drifting away on the water with the waves buoying you up and down. Your heart stops racing; your mind can see clouds and it seems that the planets are aligned in a nice position. But after a while a small tiny part in the hollows of your heart haves you start wondering whether this kind content-happiness will last because it seems to good to be true sometimes. Like you just know for sure that some weird shit is about to happen because the world is never fair in that sense? And maybe also because past experience has told us that happiness doesn’t last long after a while because another battle is coming your way?
You don’t know for a certain. Its more like. You’re afraid.
And truth be told, I’m currently a little afraid. It comes in waves, especially when I’m alone and when I start thinking of how I am contented with life right now. But after what I’ve been through, I feel like I deserve this “contented-happy” feeling and I deserve to experience it for a good while.
Just a little little itty bitty afraid.
Current read: The Sari Shop Window, by Shobhan Bantwal
No body image/ed post just yet. Next time, I promise. Thanks to the bipolar weather here in which I am experiencing bright blistering heat in the morning then cold windy showers in the afternoon and evening, I am afflicted with the flu, fever and body aches. I do not like this. Plus, because of the flu I have lost my appetite to eat but at the same time my body is craving food. Ughxzxzz. I can’t even deal with this disconnect right now. Sleep.