resolutions, or rather, plans for 2015

Happy 2015 guys! Hope all of you had a wonderful time last week celebrating the end of 2014 with loved ones ❤ It just hit me this morning that I will be 24 years old this year! Meep. Its a fun yet scary thought. Fun (in a way) because hey I sound older and more mature than 22 or 23, but at the same time scary because many people are pretty much expecting me to get my act together. A working adult. Yeahhhhhhh.

Anyway, here I am writing my first post for 2015, and so let’s all bring out the resolutions that we all know are unlikely to be fulfilled. Whoop-dee-doo. With the number of tumultuous years spent struggling to love my body and recovering from my eating disorder, and with a nasty bout of heartbreak added on to that difficult period last year, I’ve learned quite a few things about health (with regards to establishing a healthy body image & recovering from an eating disorder) and happiness in general.

A few years ago, my “New Year’s Resolutions” would have been something along the lines of “lose 20kg”, “eat less and exercise more” and “find out how to make my wallet and not my waistline thicker”

A few days before the new year, I sat pondering the life lessons I’ve been exposed to and the important things that it has taught me and came up with some plans for 2015 that I hope to embrace and/or continue are as follows:

1. Stop comparing myself to other people and learn to be more confident in my own skin by focusing not on outward appearances, but on my own talents, abilities and personality characteristics.

With the past year reading up on body image and practicing body-love habits more, I’ve learned the significance of the adage “appearances are only temporary” When I was younger, I wanted to be tall and beautiful and be the belle of the ball. Now as I grow older and try to find my place in society, I realize there are so much more important things out there that I have to accomplish that are way more important than looking pretty. I gotta graduate with a good degree, get a job, earn my keep and pay my bills. The more I focus on these things I less I think about beauty. What’s the point of being beautiful if I can’t even pay my own bills? What’s being tall and skinny and beautiful compared to traveling the world and gaining new knowledge through the exposure of cultures, adventures and risks which will enrich your soul? I don’t want people to look at me and see only a beautiful thin person, because I know that looks will fade eventually and I know that many people won’t bother to look past than my physical appearances and get to know who I really am.

2. Eat til you are full and eat when you hungry.

This is perhaps one of the most important ones for me that I will devote more energy to. While I am no longer starving and bingeing as intensely in the past, the tendencies to do so remain. Dissecting my foods into its components (carbs/proteins) has become a habit and whenever I’m given an unbalanced  meal, especially when I eat out, usually of which is more rice and less chicken/fish, I end up eating less than I normally would and then tend to overeat at the next meal and get incredibly anxious about. Scraps of past though processes still fester in my mind and sometimes I wouldn’t choose certain goods because I fear it’ll make me gain weight. Although I must say throughout this year I’ve been making progress. I’ve slowly grown better at reading my hunger cues, put down my fork when I’m full & resist pressure (especially from my mum) to eat everything that’s put in front of me Of course there are times when I don’t do it and I experience a teeny lapse. As such before my period where I sort of become the Kraken and just devour everything in sight . Recovering from an ED takes a lot of effort but I definitely want to keep it up

3. Exercise for health and not for vanity and stop when your body tells you too.

I’ll admit that sometimes I spent an extra half an hour running because I’ve seen something someone in a magazine that makes me wish I were thinner. I’ve been trying to override that mentality because I know the extremes to which I can go to when it comes to exercising. In the past I would exercise a whole friggin’ lot because I wanted to look like those models on Instagram I see with ripped abs and arms (like seriously are they even real?). But as I’m growing older I realize that it takes a lot of effort to get that body and I’m slowly accepting that I’m born to have a certain body type – one that isn’ super tall and slim. Moreover, I started experiencing knee pains last week which probably indicates that all that excessive running is finally taking a toll on my poor joints. Anyway. I’ll continue running just to maintain my fitness level & be healthy, but I know now that I shouldn’t force myself to work out just because I want a model’s body.

4. Block out unhappy memories and people from you life and focus on positive.

So according to my aunt’s New Age spiritual beliefs that she subscribes to, the Law of Concentration states that “whatever you dwell upon grows and expands in your life. This law says that the more you think about something, the more of your mental capacity is assigned to think about that issue. Eventually, if you are not careful, you will think about it all the time. This law contains a double-edged sword. If you think about something often enough, it eventually dominates your thinking and affects your behavior” Thinking about unhappy things drains the crap out of you. Like really really. Its so mentally exhausting and expends the mojo out of you. I experienced this when recovering from heartbreak last year. I was so made at this boy for betraying my trust and kept harping on negativity and eventually I just decided to stop one day and force myself to refocus my thoughts to happy things whenever he came into my mind. Life is too short for unhappy moments which prevents us from living in the present.

5. Be grateful for waking up every morning.

This year, the Syrian war, car accidents in New Zealand, floods in Malaysia, the 2 Malaysian Airlines crashes and the recent AirAsia crash just before the New Yea made me think about the fragility of life. How one moment you could be living and enjoying the day and the next day, you might not even be alive at all. Its scary. Really. Life is fleeting and so this year, and really from now on, I’m going to be thankful for life each day and live fully (and responsibly) in the present moment. When things don’t go my way, I would get a mad hissy fit but after a while I sit back and take a deep breath and look out my window and just bask in the beauty of the sky and think of how lucky I am to be able to witness sprawling blue skies. Plus, aren’t grateful people more likely to be in good health and live longer?

Til the next time!

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Gifties from my 2 best girls! They spoiled me so much I can’t even.

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This arrived on Christmas from my German sister! DO YOU SEE THAT FREEZE DRIED ICE CREAM SANDWICH?! SEE IT? I WON’T EAT IT BUT I AM GOING TO MEMORIALIZE IT INSTEAD.

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More lovely things! Yummy cookies from N, iPod from the parents with a note “Don’t drop it in Central Park” (oh the lies I tell them) and assam tea from India when Jia was there.

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Time to bid my black shoes adieu and to use these (what color is this) dance shoes. They gave me blisters. Not liking them already but hey, I need to be grateful for having them right?

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Something funny I found. Oh yes, I would love me some sexy sweaters.

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Ravenclaw notebook from D when he was in Japan’s Universal Studio over the Christmas break! Jia got the Gryffindor one!

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I tried.

Favorite villanous creature: The Nazgul from the Lord of the Rings. Nazgul. I can say it all day.

Man, do I need to get my eyebrows done.

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