choices + floral maxi

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CHOICES

This past week I’ve been plagued by the challenges of choices. Choices when it comes to eating and choices when it comes to being happy.

PMS can be draining. Crippling back pains aside that leave me half dead on my bed, I don’t know if I’m hungry. I find myself wandering to the kitchen every half hour or so to look into the refrigerator, but end up taking nothing and returning back to my room feeling all annoyed. Its funny. In the past, I used to just take whatever I want and then feel guilty like the next sinner in church. Recently however, I’ve been pausing and listening to my hunger cues. My mind automatically asks if I’m really hungry or just plain bored as hell and need to stuff something in my mouth. After I’m done with each meal I always feel the need to end off with something really sweet. Like sickly sweet. And sometimes I just want to grab all the sweet goodies and store them in my mouth like a chipmunk and run off with my stash of goods. But nowadays I find that I’m mentally stopping myself more and more and “analyzing” my internal cues. Am I full? Is there room for more food? Most of the time I successfully walk away from overeating though of course on the few occasions I give in and eat more than I want. I do feel a little guilty afterward, but hey, its there. Slowly but surely.

Choices. It can be empowering in recovery.

On a separate note, I can’t believe its almost December. The month of the end of all things. I love December for its beautiful classic Christmas music by Nat King Cole, Dean Martin & Doris Day. Everyone’s joyous and full of life. There’s a sweet breath and a clean spark of life in the air that makes you want to sit back in your couch and sigh with contentment and relief. A big hearty bowl of stew. It leaves you sleepy but content. This past week I’m reminded of many things in December. Laughter, tears, love, sorry, joy and goodbyes of the year and the years before. This combination sometimes robs me of my enthusiasm and anticipation for Christmas. Christmas is supposed to happy. Its not supposed to make you feel sad! I listen to Christmas music and my heart beats wildly. I see pictures of snowing places like New York City (its always New York City) and my heart gives a huge lurch. Like a car that suddenly stopped in the middle of the road and you come crashing forward in your seat with your seatbelt violently pushing at your chest.  It makes me want to not celebrate the entire thing at all. But I used to love the Christmas season. I’m not about to let kabootz memories and past struggles wear me down. So I choose to find joy. I choose (as hard as it is) to shut that nostalgia out and be merry with whoever is in my life right now. I find distraction and I find joy. And I find out where the macarons are gon’ be at.

Happiness is a state of mind. I’ve only started to realize what this means. We can choose to overeat/binge and be unhappy or we can choose to practice mindfulness and walk away from triggers. To choose the latter is hard, sometimes because of extenuating circumstances such as being in new environments(sometime thing which I’ll cover next week) and sometimes because we want immediate comfort.

Sometimes we choose sadness because we feel we deserve the pain. But we all can’t be sad forever. It robs you of your mojo. There are other things that are more worthy that you can look forward to because there are more perfect days of your life that have yet to come

We all have a choice.

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FLORAL MAXI

Yesterday’s plans were canceled as a friend was sick. Combined with the thundery weather, I decided to stay in and disinfect detoxify declutter my wardrobe. Decluttering my wardrobe is like going on archaeological expedition. I never know what I’m going to find. I found old running shorts, old belts, the missing sock, lecture notes that I thought I lost (WOW) and even an unopened bag of almonds. I dug out this dress that I bought a few years ago when I was in Adelaide, South Australia for my internship. The last I wore it was probably last summer on my last day of my summer job. Its a halter maxi dress splashed with this gorgeous cascade of flowers in varying degrees of pink. Thulian pink. Carnation pink. Persian rose. It contrasts nicely against the inky navy blue dress.

Halters are great for showing off shoulders. I have broad shoulders and detested them. Now they’re starting to grow on me especially when I put on halter tops because I like that it flatters my shoulders. I have a love-hate relationship with maxis. The right ones where the waist rests nicely against you gives you an hourglass figure because of its babydoll cut. The wrong ones makes you look preggers. Or sometimes. Frumpy, like you’re wearing a gunnysack. Definitely not a look you want to be carrying. It makes me want to avoid maxis altogether but this particular one I bought seems to be a good fit. Its a little bigger than I wanted to because I bought it 1 size bigger and so its loose around the bust area and now I can’t wear it out without me fearing I’ll a pull a Janet Jackson at the SuperBowl in 2004. Regardless of whether you like halters or not, find outfits that accentuate a body part that you like for a boost of serotonin. Tasteful shorts to show off your gams, sleeveless tops for your arms or if you have long legs, maxi skirts will leave jaws dropping because it’ll make it look as though you have a never-ending skirt.

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