I am only human, and because I am only human, there are days when I don’t practice what I preach during my recovery from my ED. “Embrace your calves because its exhausting to spend the rest of your life hating your body” God I can’t do this my calves are huge can you just let me wallow in distress already so excusez-moi while I Google ways to lengthen my calves. “You don’t have abs like Jillian Michaels but hey don’t worry because we need to embrace our bodies and don’t forget that there are millions of other women who don’t have her body too” Who are these women and who cares about them?! “Remember to eat when you experience hunger cues and not eat because you’re bored” Oh sod that already so shut up and give me the chocolate!
I know I need to practice more graciousness and gratefulness in my life and appreciate what I currently have, given the limited time we have on Earth, but I’m not some new age yuppie. Some people experience inner peace by reframing their negative thoughts and repeating positive motivational quotes all day long, but me? I’m the girl that needs to express my anger and frustration out instead of keeping them in. I’m a vocal person. I just need to release that anger and then move on.
I’m telling you this because my blog posts may give you positive vibes, but I’m still human. I’m not positive all day every day. I’m real. I have days where I look at skinnier girls on the streets and just automatically hate them even if they may be the nicest people, because I know I can’t have that body even though I’ve accepted that I have a curvier physique. I have days where I want to wear cropped tops but feel like I don’t deserve to wear them because I don’t have flat abs and get all depressed at my body. There are days when I feel like my skin is stretched too tight over my body and I feel that I’m just about to burst any second. There are days when I feel so incredibly bloated and my clothes just feel so tight on my body that I want to do nothing but wear oversized tees and shorts, wallow in bed and moan about periods and how they make me puff up like a pufferfish. There are days when I literally just want to eat all the juiciest burgers I can get my hands and dip fries in the sweetest nacho cheese dip and stuff my mouth with the best peanut butter ice-cream and just pour an entire packet of chocolate chips straight into my mouth, & yes, there are days when I think about how different my life would be if I were thinner and then this makes me want to be skinnier.
Its so hard to get over such funks because they are incredibly energy-draining and literally vacuum the life and optimism right out of you. But then again I know I don’t want to be the girl in my past who would internalize her frustration and sadness by bingeing and self-harming. I don’t want to be depressed about unhealthy things and end up doing unhealthy behaviors. So now I get over such days in the simplest of ways. I just ditch the cropped top and choose something that flatters me more and won’t make me want to squeeze and mangle my belly bulge when I look in the mirror. Remember this:
Or better yet, I just don’t look in the mirror. Instead of wearing jeans or clothing that skim my body, I wear loose and airy dresses. And yes, I will wear my oversized tees and shorts, stay in the comfort of my room and dance away. I will work out more in the gym and get rid of the water retention and boost my endorphin levels. I’ll go out and dance at salsa socials. I listen to fabulous music with fabulous beats. Like fabulous latin beats from Ricky Martin. Bruno Mars makes me feel like the woman I deserve to be. Taylor Swift helps me Shake it Off. I listen to 80s music and I listen to Glee covers. You can’t really go wrong with the right music. And yes, I will cave in to some sugar.
Of course as usual I don’t always do them, or rather sometimes I end up doing these activities but don’t always feel 100% better, but I do feel an emotional improvement nonetheless. Sometimes I end up not doing any of those and simply just wallow in bed and cry my heart out because strangely enough I do feel better after that too.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, whether you’re recovering from an ED or not, there will be days when you hate your body and feel upset at it after going through a period where you feel good about yourself and feeling like a new-age goddess. And its only normal for that to happen. But know that bad things don’t last forever, and so these feelings will go away, but only if you don’t let yourself be affected by it. Find ways to distract yourself from these triggers. I can’t always be an optimistic burst of bubble sporting motivational quotes all the time because it makes me feel so pretentious as that is just not who I am. I appreciate people who motivate me by listing all these motivational pictures and quotes. I do I really do, but you know what? I just want someone to be all: Oh please she doesn’t have your curves, girl I know you can pull off high waisted jeans like Beyonce does jumpsuits. Okay I’ll take you to my kickboxing class, the instructor will make me cry and want to go back home. Don’t look at that mirror! Here just put on some lipstick you’ll look fab. Who cares whether or not guys like skinny girls?! Look good for yourself and not for some guy.
You get what I mean right?
So I distract myself by doing all those. I dance, I stay home or go to socials, I work out, I avoid mirrors, I wear clothing that make me feel good about myself and sometimes I’ll just cave in and eat that ice cream. Whatever gets me through the day – as long as its physically, emotionally and mentally healthy – I do it, simply because I need to.
`What makes you feel better and good about yourself, both physically and mentally, when you go through such “i hate the world, don’t talk to me, hand me those chips” funks?
You’ve been trying so very hard. Give yourself a break.
Buonanotte. That’s goodnight in Italian. Don’t you love how that sounds?