choices + floral maxi

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CHOICES

This past week I’ve been plagued by the challenges of choices. Choices when it comes to eating and choices when it comes to being happy.

PMS can be draining. Crippling back pains aside that leave me half dead on my bed, I don’t know if I’m hungry. I find myself wandering to the kitchen every half hour or so to look into the refrigerator, but end up taking nothing and returning back to my room feeling all annoyed. Its funny. In the past, I used to just take whatever I want and then feel guilty like the next sinner in church. Recently however, I’ve been pausing and listening to my hunger cues. My mind automatically asks if I’m really hungry or just plain bored as hell and need to stuff something in my mouth. After I’m done with each meal I always feel the need to end off with something really sweet. Like sickly sweet. And sometimes I just want to grab all the sweet goodies and store them in my mouth like a chipmunk and run off with my stash of goods. But nowadays I find that I’m mentally stopping myself more and more and “analyzing” my internal cues. Am I full? Is there room for more food? Most of the time I successfully walk away from overeating though of course on the few occasions I give in and eat more than I want. I do feel a little guilty afterward, but hey, its there. Slowly but surely.

Choices. It can be empowering in recovery.

On a separate note, I can’t believe its almost December. The month of the end of all things. I love December for its beautiful classic Christmas music by Nat King Cole, Dean Martin & Doris Day. Everyone’s joyous and full of life. There’s a sweet breath and a clean spark of life in the air that makes you want to sit back in your couch and sigh with contentment and relief. A big hearty bowl of stew. It leaves you sleepy but content. This past week I’m reminded of many things in December. Laughter, tears, love, sorry, joy and goodbyes of the year and the years before. This combination sometimes robs me of my enthusiasm and anticipation for Christmas. Christmas is supposed to happy. Its not supposed to make you feel sad! I listen to Christmas music and my heart beats wildly. I see pictures of snowing places like New York City (its always New York City) and my heart gives a huge lurch. Like a car that suddenly stopped in the middle of the road and you come crashing forward in your seat with your seatbelt violently pushing at your chest.  It makes me want to not celebrate the entire thing at all. But I used to love the Christmas season. I’m not about to let kabootz memories and past struggles wear me down. So I choose to find joy. I choose (as hard as it is) to shut that nostalgia out and be merry with whoever is in my life right now. I find distraction and I find joy. And I find out where the macarons are gon’ be at.

Happiness is a state of mind. I’ve only started to realize what this means. We can choose to overeat/binge and be unhappy or we can choose to practice mindfulness and walk away from triggers. To choose the latter is hard, sometimes because of extenuating circumstances such as being in new environments(sometime thing which I’ll cover next week) and sometimes because we want immediate comfort.

Sometimes we choose sadness because we feel we deserve the pain. But we all can’t be sad forever. It robs you of your mojo. There are other things that are more worthy that you can look forward to because there are more perfect days of your life that have yet to come

We all have a choice.

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FLORAL MAXI

Yesterday’s plans were canceled as a friend was sick. Combined with the thundery weather, I decided to stay in and disinfect detoxify declutter my wardrobe. Decluttering my wardrobe is like going on archaeological expedition. I never know what I’m going to find. I found old running shorts, old belts, the missing sock, lecture notes that I thought I lost (WOW) and even an unopened bag of almonds. I dug out this dress that I bought a few years ago when I was in Adelaide, South Australia for my internship. The last I wore it was probably last summer on my last day of my summer job. Its a halter maxi dress splashed with this gorgeous cascade of flowers in varying degrees of pink. Thulian pink. Carnation pink. Persian rose. It contrasts nicely against the inky navy blue dress.

Halters are great for showing off shoulders. I have broad shoulders and detested them. Now they’re starting to grow on me especially when I put on halter tops because I like that it flatters my shoulders. I have a love-hate relationship with maxis. The right ones where the waist rests nicely against you gives you an hourglass figure because of its babydoll cut. The wrong ones makes you look preggers. Or sometimes. Frumpy, like you’re wearing a gunnysack. Definitely not a look you want to be carrying. It makes me want to avoid maxis altogether but this particular one I bought seems to be a good fit. Its a little bigger than I wanted to because I bought it 1 size bigger and so its loose around the bust area and now I can’t wear it out without me fearing I’ll a pull a Janet Jackson at the SuperBowl in 2004. Regardless of whether you like halters or not, find outfits that accentuate a body part that you like for a boost of serotonin. Tasteful shorts to show off your gams, sleeveless tops for your arms or if you have long legs, maxi skirts will leave jaws dropping because it’ll make it look as though you have a never-ending skirt.

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Embarking on Self Acceptance and Embracing my Body : The “I Am What’s Underneath” Movement

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I was the the girl who started dieting when she was 16. I was the girl who changed dieting methods every 7 days. I was the girl who weighed herself at least 5 times a day. I was the girl who religiously counted calories every single day. I was the girl who exercised obsessively because she wanted to lose weight. I was the girl who flipped through magazines wondering why I wasn’t born with the looks and the body of a supermodel. I was the girl who hated her body so much she would cry in shame in her room. I was the girl who wished she was born with bigger eyes, sharper nose and slimmer cheeks. I was the girl who was embarrassed to go shopping with friends because she didn’t want to be seen browsing the racks of clothings in size L.

I saw myself being too big and fat my skin and height & truly believed I was ugly.  I wanted to be thinner, taller and prettier. I never understood the word “self-acceptance”. It didn’t feel right on my tongue; strange and foreign. A key that didn’t fit into a lock. I knew what it meant, but to internalize that trait required strength of a different kind. Moreover, I wanted to be in control. Control meant power. It meant I could be whatever I wanted, as long as I tried hard enough. I was wrong.

Unlike many other individuals, my journey of self acceptance wasn’t completely not motivated by my struggles with body dissatisfaction and my eating disorder, but rather a somewhat disempowering event that made me lose sight of who I was. In an effort to rediscover myself, I decided to focus efforts on rebuilding my identity. Moreover, having been blinded by the pursuit of attaining a thin body, I damaged my body so much for about 6 years in return for a peace of mind I never got. I needed to heal myself.

Latin: “Cura the ipsum.” English: Take care of your own self. 

I’m only 23, but now that I’m growing older, becoming more knowledgeable, experiencing new perspectives in life and trying to find my place in society, I’ve realized that I don’t have the time to hate and destroy my body through the neck-severing pursuit of a getting supermodel body by starving, bingeing and compulsive exercise. I have so many other important things that I need to do, like graduate and establish a career, and other things I want to do: dance with traveling gypsies in Romania, get married in Italy, make love in Venice, have a baby (maybe 2), and maybe attend the Burning Man Festival in Las Vegas. Hating my body and ruining it has prevented me from living the life I should have lived when I was growing up and I don’t want my eating disorder to ruin my life anymore.

That’s why I started my self acceptance journey through the use of pictures. To capture my body and my looks just the way it is and to make me come to terms with the fact that this is who I am. This is who and what you need to accept. I’ve accepted that I’m bigger and I suppose in some way, curvier than my friends but I’ve not fully accepted some of my physical attributes: the broad shoulders, the wide calves, the chubby cheeks. But that’s who I am. And I need to accept it. I love dance, I have my quirks, and I like making people laugh, but underneath that exterior I’m also made up of these physical attributes. And I need to slowly learn to accept that its part of me.

I now know that society’s standards of beauty are warped. I’ve learned that being slim is beautiful, but being curvy is also beautiful. Beauty can’t be quantified. It has to be accepted and embraced in whatever form it comes in.  I can’t shrink my shoulders nor undergo dangerous knee surgery to lengthen my legs. Sure I still work out about 5 times a day and try to eat healthy (and mindfully) as much as I can, but the main goal now would be to maintain optimum health instead of trying to sculpt unrealistically supermodel features because I still want to be the best I can be to my capabilities.

To embrace self-acceptance, I stand behind the project: I Am What’s Underneath – True Style is Self Acceptance, a kickstarter program founded by Elisa Goodkind & Lily Mandelbaum. It is a global movement calling for self-acceptance that aims to raise funds to a feature-length documentary and start a conversation on self-acceptance, society’s standards of beauty and what it means to be beautiful. Like many people who have taken part in this movement (via social media or through donations), I too have experienced many own forms of negativity and now want to take the steps of rejecting the socially constructed notion of “thin-is-beautiful” and embracing my looks and my body for what it is to empower myself.

 I used to wish I were the love child of James Marsden and Jennifer Lopez. Now I just want to be someone who accepts and loves herself so that her journey in life will not be tainted with memories of self-hatred fueled by unrealistic body expectations and disordered eating, & also so that I can eat that extra piece o’ pie without any guilt.

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Be part of the self-acceptance movement and stand against unrealistic beauty ideals that force you to be something or someone you’re really not! One of the ways you can do so is reading more and donating to Elisa and Lily’s kickstarter program here: , and/or post a picture of yourself with #iamwhatsunderneath on Twitter or Instagram (Elisa & Lily can be found on IG at @stylelikeu)!

With the glorification and idealization of thin models, the fashion industry is unwittingly molding us into something that we are not, and to be yourself in a world that is trying to fit you into something else is one of the greatest and most courageous accomplishments you can ever achieve

P.S. I’m on Twitter and Instagram!

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I contemplated wearing something more stylish for these photos, but then I decided on just being myself and showing the real me. Underneath the girl who loves dresses, high waisted jeans and stud earrings is one loves to laze around at home, reading books, watching Julia Roberts movies and blissfully makeup-free in her jammies. My bowler hat is my spark. Nothing wrong with a bit of sparkle right? 🙂

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  1. If you could learn to do anything, what would it be? Levitating objects, like Magneto
  2. If you were reincarnated as an animal or ice cream flavor, what would it be? Wolf or dark chocolate with rum
  3. What was an experience that made you a stronger person? Getting heartbroken
  4. If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be? Learn a local dance in every country that I visit
  5. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to? Carmen or Riley

ophelia × riley: fashion for body image empowerment

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If I weren’t studying psychology, I’d work in fashion. Really. I love fashion. I like putting pieces together, color-coordinating, finding accessories and shoes to go with my outfit and basically creating different looks that express my personalty, my style and my uniqueness. Unfortunately, having struggled with severe body image issues since the age of 16 prevented me from being able to experiment with clothes. I disliked my body and my hatred was compounded by the endless fashion spreads in magazines, models for clothing stores and even friends who were thinner than I was.

I’d see tall and slim models (so what else is new?) wearing fabulous gorgeous clothes that I always pictured myself wearing but never dared to. Why? Because I assumed that I wouldn’t look good in them. I wasn’t able to accept that my body was bigger and curvier than the average Chinese girl here.  So I shied away from wearing anything sleeveless because I saw my arms as lumpy sausages. I banned skirts because when paired with my muscular calves, the skirt lost its feminine appeal. I avoided colors, loud prints and stripes because they added bulk to my wide frame. Local fashion labels stocked free size outfits or had clothes than came in only in sizes S and M; each time I came out the dressing room and handed my outfit back to the saleswoman, I experienced a tightness around my heart which I eventually came to learn was a mixture of mortification, anger and self-disgust. I stuck to wearing jeans, shorts and basic black all day every day because, well, because black is slimming right? And because I felt safe in them. It covered everything just about right. I didn’t need to see my arms or muscular calves.

Out of sight, out of mind. Pure denial. A defensive mechanism

When it comes to body image issues, people tend to look at fashion with a weary eye.  Research tells you that the rise of body image issues and prevalence of eating disorders are increasing and one of the reasons is because people not only wan to be able to look as good as the model who is wearing the very outfit he/she is wearing. We see tall and thin mannequins flaunting tight body con dresses and although there are gorgeous plus size fashion pieces, in some stores, we see  “plus-size” mannequins wearing frumpy frocks in the strangest prints and patterns and in fabrics that look like they came from our great-grandmother’s knitting boxes.

With the wide use of slim models, we want to wear cropped tops and show to everyone we have a flat tummy or wear body con dresses to show everyone that “look I am slim enough to wear a body con dress without having to feel insecure about myself or have people comment about how it doesn’t stick to my belly!”  There are “fashion rules” that we follow: don’t wear stripes because they make you look bigger, wear nude heels to elongate your legs, don’t wear cropped tops if you have a wobbly belly, don’t wear skinny jeans if you’re not slim. Its these rules that made me feel even more insecure about my body because it brought more attention to the fact that I didn’t have a flat stomach and somehow I felt “defined” by a particular rule and this left me in throes of self-pity and jealousy.

One of the reasons I decided to start dabbling more in photography and fashion this year is because fashion is more than just expressing my own personal style. Its also about accepting myself. Getting someone to take my pictures and having myself to look at these pictures forces me to sit down and say “Girl, you know what? This is how you were born to look like and you’re not going to be able to run and hide from pictures all your life. Do you want to spend another 60 years running away from cameras and pictures and hating the fact that you weren’t born a leggy brunette with razor sharp cheekbones and green eyes and a to-die-for hourglass figure?!?”

For the past few years, I’ve avoided looking at myself in pictures simply because I absolutely hated how I looked. I hated how my body wasn’t of an hourglass shape, I hated that I have muscular calves, I hated that I have broad shoulders, I hated that I have narrow hips and a flat butt. I even hated my Asian features and hated that my older sister looked more European than I did. However, as I entered my final year of undergraduate studies, something in me clicked – it was the sudden realization that I am 23 and that I had just wasted 6 years of my life hating my own body which prevented me from doing so many things I would have done if I weren’t busy hiding in my room and feeling sorry for myself and wearing the most frumpy and boring clothes ever.

Now. I want to stand out and shine. I wanted to wear clothes that made me feel good because I want to feel good.

 I met Ophelia, a witty down-to-Earth and fashionista (check out her new blog Curve Is Love!) a few weeks ago and together with our shared understanding of the struggles of body image issues and desire to define fashion as a construct to express our individuality and accept our body, we decided to do this little collaboration entitled: ophelia × riley to capture what fashion really means to us.

I chose the name Riley because it carries the meaning “courageous”. Stepping away from my “safe” outfits, and donning something that was more than just a top and jeans required a huge leap of courage for me. I selected this long black dress because it shows one of my biggest physical insecurities. Cardigans and long sleeved tops are my best friends because they camouflage my arms, and they do so because I had trouble accepting how my arms weren’t lean and toned. I was frightened of baring my arms because it didn’t live up to my standards. Wearing this dress and knowing that I’d be photographed made me incredibly nervous the night before the photoshoot. Already my mind was trying to imagine how wide my arms would look like and whether or not I would even want to publish these pictures into blog. But after a while I thought to myself: “Sod it for God’s sake, you are 23 years old. You don’t have time to hate your arms! You have exams coming up! You have to start thinking about what you want to do in the future! If you want to accept your body for what it is, then you’re wearing this dress and you will be photographed in it and you will accept the shape of your arms as it is.”

And so I did. With some slight trepidation, no doubt, but here are these pictures are.

There is no denying that fashion plays a part in contributing to negative body image, but is that not mainly because we feel that we are are unable to look as good as a model does in the clothes that he/she wears? In the quest to look as good as the model wearing the clothes we love, fashion has been reduced to a construct that harms women instead of empowering them. Shouldn’t fashion should make you feel good, not worse about yourself? Fashion is an integral part of life, so why not utilize it to our advantage and make ourselves feel beautiful?

Don’t feel good in a cropped top because you don’t feel comfortable with not having the most toned of abs? Then don’t wear it. Instead of thinking about how much weight you need to lose, simply ditch the cropped top and go for something that flatters you. Wear clothes that make you feel like Beyonce on the rocks because forcing yourself into that cropped top won’t make you feel any better. It only sharpens your insecurities & make you feel like a second-rated version of somebody else. Girl, and boy, you’re more than second-rate.

I don’t want to limit myself to long sleeved outfits or long skirts and jeans every single time because I don’t want to conform to a self-constructed fashion rule brought about by hatred for my body. I sincerely hope that this won’t be the last photo shoot that I will do because I want to continue showcasing my journey of body acceptance through fashion on this blog. I’m probably sure you know this, but body image issues are kind of hormonal. There are days where we just feel like a queen and then on other days we feel so bloated and unattractive and throw all our body positive mantras out the window. However, my plan in the long run is to use fashion as a form of empowerment to see the beauty in me and gradually learn to love myself more. If I want to accept the way I look, why not put on some good clothes that flatter me instead of moaning about how I don’t look as thin as a size 0 model does? Fashion is about finding your style, showcasing your unique identity and in the process feeling good about yourself

With the glorification and idealization of thin models, the fashion industry is unwittingly molding us into something that we are not, and to be yourself in a world that is trying to fit you into something else is one of the greatest and most courageous accomplishments you can ever achieve.

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How do your body insecurities affect how you perceive fashion? Drop off your comments/feedback/anything on your mind!

on friendship and support during ed recovery: for the incredible girls who’ve seen me at my worst

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(PC: zee)

Friendship and social support are the cradles of not only your life, but also during your recovery from your eating disorder.

Having a close circle of friends who understand what you’re going through is essential. They are the ones whom you can rely on and turn to for help and a listening ear (or three) when you feel you’re about to burst from stresses, frustrations and funks at any second. They’re the ones who will motivate you and haul you back up on your feet. They’re the ones who direct you to the light at the end of your self-constructed tunnel. They’re the ones who understand you. They’re the ones who will stick by you throughout your journey.

I’ve known these two girls since I was 17. I was 17 when my disordered eating patterns started cropping up, but I kept my eating disorder a secretl until I was probably 19 or 20 when I finally told them what I was going through. They’ve seen me at the height of my eating disorder days. They were there supporting and comforting me while I sat alone in my room crying because I had just binged on an entire bag of cookies. They were there helping me see reason and explain very calmly why it was okay to get a B on a test and that it wasn’t the end of the world just because I didn’t get an A. They were the ones who helped take the focus away from my perceived flaws and instead, see my worth as a person. They were patient and listened to me while I sat on the bathroom floor contemplating drinking that bottle of bleach. I remember #1 homegirl’s words clearly til this day “Have you ever thought about the friends you will leave behind if you go ahead with what you are planning to do? About me and Zee?” The truth was, I never thought about it until she mentioned it and truth be told, I think that might have actually saved my life at that very moment. They didn’t judge me when I told them I wanted to be skinnier because I wanted to look like models and because I hated my body. They listened to me as I cried about disempowering events in my life that broke my soul over the giant cup of yogurt we were supposed to be sharing. They were so patient with me during my wild mood swings –  especially during our time abroad together on our overseas internship in Australia where I was beginning to deliberately starve myself and obsessively exercising – and still chose to stick by my side instead of completely dismissing me as a stuck-up and flighty kabootz who deserved nobody’s companionship.

I meet people who’ve come to me at different chapters in my life; at different chapters during my eating disorder recovery. Some, I meet in Chapter 5 just as I’m starting therapy where I’m still perfectionistic, hard-headed and afraid of change. They couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go out anywhere. Some, I meet in Chapter 7 just as I’m in the middle of therapy and in a state of confusion as I was trying to make changes, get frustrated at making mistakes and not seeing results. They couldn’t understand why I found it hard to accept my body and I was happy one minute but incredibly down the next without a discernible reason. Some I meet now in Chapter 11 just as I’m in my current transitioning phase where I am starting to shed old behaviors but still have remnants of old thinking patterns and behavioral tendencies: wanting to go out yet still over-plan and worry too much. They don’t understand why I worry too much, probably even think I’m boring and have no semblance of a life & wonder how I will ever be happy.

I have to explain to them that I’m recovering from an eating disorder and yes I am afraid of change and yes, I wanted to control every aspect of my life but I want to change now and yes, even though I am  getting better and want to go out more and live life, I’m still trying to do new things but you just happened to have entered a phase of my life where I am transitioning and learning how to shed my old skin and adapt to a new environment and so yes, change is still hard for me.

Of course after I tell them my story they understand, but sometimes you need to know they can never fully understand your situation as much as the friends who’ve been by your side since Chapter 1, or the early chapters of your eating disorder/recovery journey. These are the friends who understand the changes you are going through as you progress through each chapter. They are the one who support you through the struggles and difficulties through each chapter and they are the ones who will accept you and encourage you to move ahead. They are the ones who will understand your struggles and how said struggles have contributed to your personality. They are the ones who see your worth and build up your esteem. They are the ones who will give you their time and listen to you. They are the ones who understand why you are the way you are now and accept you for who you are unconditionally.

These are the ones who are worth more than gold and diamonds and the ones worth holding on to.

Who are the ones who’ve helped you and been by your side supporting you throughout your eating disorder recovery journey?

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To Miss Miller, Nette, Jess, J & Joe, Jia, and Big D, thank you for being there for me, for helping me and supporting me through my ups and downs.

But for these two incredibly amazing funny, zesty, passionate and feisty homegirls, Shu & Zee – this one for you two. Thank you for being my side these past 6 years. They’ve seen me struggle, succeed, fail, fall, get up, survive and change. Thank you you tolerating me, understanding me, helping me, supporting me, encouraging me, being patient with me, helping me, listening to me, comforting me, advising me & wanting the best for me. Am so incredibly grateful that the both of you here are in my life and please stay in my life for as long as you can please thanks because you guys are my rocks

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on dealing with bad days during my ed recovery

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I am only human, and because I am only human, there are days when I don’t practice what I preach during my recovery from my ED. “Embrace your calves because its exhausting to spend the rest of your life hating your body”  God I can’t do this my calves are huge can you just let me wallow in distress already so excusez-moi while I Google ways to lengthen my calves.  “You don’t have abs like Jillian Michaels but hey don’t worry because we need to embrace our bodies and don’t forget that there are millions of other women who don’t have her body too” Who are these women and who cares about them?! Remember to eat when you experience hunger cues and not eat because you’re bored” Oh sod that already so shut up and give me the chocolate!

I know I need to practice more graciousness and gratefulness in my life and appreciate what I currently have, given the limited time we have on Earth, but I’m not some new age yuppie. Some people experience inner peace by reframing their negative thoughts and repeating positive motivational quotes all day long, but me? I’m the girl that needs to express my anger and frustration out instead of keeping them in. I’m a vocal person. I just need to release that anger and then move on.

I’m telling you this because my blog posts may give you positive vibes, but I’m still human. I’m not positive all day every day. I’m real. I have days where I look at skinnier girls on the streets and just automatically hate them even if they may be the nicest people, because I know I can’t have that body even though I’ve accepted that I have a curvier physique. I have days where I want to wear cropped tops but feel like I don’t deserve to wear them because I don’t have flat abs and get all depressed at my body. There are days when I feel like my skin is stretched too tight over my body and I feel that I’m just about to burst any second. There are days when I feel so incredibly bloated and my clothes just feel so tight on my body that I want to do nothing but wear oversized tees and shorts, wallow in bed and moan about periods and how they make me puff up like a pufferfish. There are days when I literally just want to eat all the juiciest burgers I can get my hands and dip fries in the sweetest nacho cheese dip and stuff my mouth with the best peanut butter ice-cream and just pour an entire packet of chocolate chips straight into my mouth, & yes, there are days when I think about how different my life would be if I were thinner and then this makes me want to be skinnier.

Its so hard to get over such funks because they are incredibly energy-draining and literally vacuum the life and optimism right out of you. But then again I know I don’t want to be the girl in my past who would internalize her frustration and sadness by bingeing and self-harming. I don’t want to be depressed about unhealthy things and end up doing unhealthy behaviors. So now I get over such days in the simplest of ways. I just ditch the cropped top and choose something that flatters me more and won’t make me want to squeeze and mangle my belly bulge when I look in the mirror. Remember this:

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Or better yet, I just don’t look in the mirror. Instead of wearing jeans or clothing that skim my body, I wear loose and airy dresses. And yes, I will wear my oversized tees and shorts, stay in the comfort of my room and dance away. I will work out more in the gym and get rid of the water retention and boost my endorphin levels. I’ll go out and dance at salsa socials. I listen to fabulous music with fabulous beats. Like fabulous latin beats from Ricky Martin. Bruno Mars makes me feel like the woman I deserve to be. Taylor Swift helps me Shake it Off. I listen to 80s music and I listen to Glee covers. You can’t really go wrong with the right music. And yes, I will cave in to some sugar.

Of course as usual I don’t always do them, or rather sometimes I end up doing these activities but don’t always feel 100% better, but I do feel an emotional improvement nonetheless. Sometimes I end up not doing any of those and simply just wallow in bed and cry my heart out because strangely enough I do feel better after that too.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, whether you’re recovering from an ED or not, there will be days when you hate your body and feel upset at it after going through a period where you feel good about yourself and feeling like a new-age goddess. And its only normal for that to happen. But know that bad things don’t last forever, and so these feelings will go away, but only if you don’t let yourself be affected by it. Find ways to distract yourself from these triggers. I can’t always be an optimistic burst of bubble sporting motivational quotes all the time because it makes me feel so pretentious as that is just not who I am. I appreciate people who motivate me by listing all these motivational pictures and quotes. I do I really do, but you know what? I just want someone to be all: Oh please she doesn’t have your curves, girl I know you can pull off high waisted jeans like Beyonce does jumpsuits. Okay I’ll take you to my kickboxing class, the instructor will make me cry and want to go back home. Don’t look at that mirror! Here just put on some lipstick you’ll look fab. Who cares whether or not guys like skinny girls?! Look good for yourself and not for some guy. 

You get what I mean right?

So I distract myself by doing all those. I dance, I stay home or go to socials, I work out, I avoid mirrors, I wear clothing that make me feel good about myself and sometimes I’ll just cave in and eat that ice cream. Whatever gets me through the day – as long as its physically, emotionally and mentally healthy – I do it, simply because I need to.

`What makes you feel better and good about yourself, both physically and mentally, when you go through such “i hate the world, don’t talk to me, hand me those chips” funks?

You’ve been trying so very hard. Give yourself a break.

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Buonanotte. That’s goodnight in Italian. Don’t you love how that sounds?