updates : blues and some bikram

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Headband | Diva

Coral earrings | Lovisa

Black top | Bershka

Blue paisley skirt | MDS Collections

Nude heels | Mimosa

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I used to be someone who didn’t believe in yoga. I dismissed it as some new fangled, new-age shenanigan done by a group of hippies with loads of free time on their hands because honestly, how can someone sit in a lotus position or whatever position of the day for 5 minutes straight? But then again, isn’t that the point?

I was feeling very bothered recently during the past week and feeling very disempowered due to some past events that happened. Its funny how the past will sometimes catch up with you even if you don’t want them to despite deliberately distracting yourself. So anyway I was feeling incredibly down and was crying and being angry and just wondering why things are happening the way they are and basically I just wasn’t able to shake myself from this depressive funk and sitting around like a lump. I get these kinds of funks sometimes but this week was particularly bad and I have’t had such a bad of a funk in several months.

N, who was fully aware of the comings and goings of what’s happening, suggested I do some bikram yoga with her. Well despite my reservations about yoga I decided to give it the go ahead because I needed something to distract myself and besides, its hot yoga and N got me a guest pass at her yoga studio. The idea of sitting in a 41 degree celsius room for 90 minutes and sweating bucket loads sounded pretty intriguing to me and I wanted to get out the house and try something new.

So I went. And Jesus God was it tough, especially for a total yoga beginner like me. Sure I’m flexible (uhhuh yeah proud if it) but having to stretch in a stuffy humid room for 90 minutes was incredibly challenging. The air was heavy and damp and the guru (is that what you’re supposed to call the teacher?) kept amping up the temperature and humidity and there I was standing on one leg and eyeing her at the controls and going “Oh Jesus God nooooooooo get away”. Anyway the guru caught me at the end of the class and said I did really good for someone who was taking a bikram yoga class for the first time (walks back to the changing room feeling all smack and bones)

 N and I were completely drenched in perspiration and sweating like sinners in church, but I actually felt so good after that. Like mentally really good. And really refreshed even though we were so disheveled looking. Somehow, focusing on breathing only through your nose and being present in the room helped me stay grounded and prevented me from being distracted and thinking back about whatever negative event was bothering me. When I got home and a thought of the event popped into my mind, I was surprised at how easily I was able to dismiss it and focus on my work. Holy molely that was easy. For the first time in a long depressive week, I finally felt like I was getting some control back in my life.

So that’s Bikram yoga for me that day: training myself to focus on the present and dismiss the past by concentrating on breathing, feeling your muscles stretch to release tension in your body because God knows how tense my muscles can be sometimes, and simultaneously, a mental or spiritual cleansing of sorts. I saw the perspiration and sweating as a way of cleansing myself of not only the toxins in your body, but all the negative energy inside me. It sounds Zen and fengshui and new age, but I actually do believe in such a mental psychological cleansing. During the height of my ED days, whenever I was having an episode, I was bingeing and then releasing my anger at myself by throwing all the books and papers and pens and whatever it was on the table onto the floor, The room was a friggin’ mess. Papers everywhere. It was so cluttered and just seeing so much mess in one room was just very mentally disturbing. So what I did was I would clean up. I would methodically pick everything up from the floor and put them back in its proper place. I opened the windows and aired the room to get some cool air and bathe the room in some sunlight, and I would vacuum the floor. Just seeing whatever dirt, dust, debris or even crumbs of food get sucked into the machine was strangely very satisfying. I was cleaning up the mess and it felt very good. I created a mess, but then destruction somehow instigated transformation: making way for the start of something new. A physical and a psychological cleansing.

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(Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love)

So in a way that’s how I relate to hot yoga. The sweating is like a release of negative energy: symbolic of cleaning up my mental environment. Out with the bad and hopefully make room for some good stuff to come my way in the future.

Anyway, it was Mary’s birthday on Thursday and #1homegirl and I were invited to her birthday dinner at a Chinese restaurant near my neighborhood by the staff at where we used to work (which was where we met her). That was what I wore. I bought that paisley skirt when I was out with #1 homegirl & when I came out the dressing room, she commented that it looks like a pastry. It kind of doesn’t it? All poofy and puffy like a choux puff. She’s christened it The Pastry Skirt. Anyway, I love the flirtatious and playful vibe this tulip skirt gives, combined with my accessories. I just love my accessories. I’m obsessed with bright pastels at the moment: corals and bright blues and minty greens. Oh and the headband. I honestly think headbands are my staple because they really do amp up a plain simple outfit that you have and this headband with golden leaves gave such a classic Grecian vibe. The gold leaves weren’t too loud either and were a soft simple color which complemented my coral earrings really well.

 I like combing different styles together in my look in terms of clothing and accessories . If my outfit is simple and classic, I add some loud contrasting accessories. If my outfit screams “I’m a woman hear me roar”, I contrast it with light jewelry to streamline my look.

Anyway, taking these pictures was also a little scary because I’d be showing a body part that I dislike the most: my calves. I have muscular calves, thanks to all the sprinting I did when I was younger and its made me incredibly self conscious about my legs. When I was self-harming, I would cut my calves until I bled because I hated my legs so much.  Now 6 years later I’m only starting to learn that life really is too short to be unhappy about my own body parts and psychology teaches that we tend to overestimate the extent to which we think others are focusing on us. I would always think that other people are constantly staring at my calves and judging me. Now its gotten less. Its still there, but lesser nonetheless.

Plus, I figured that if I wanted to start loving my calves more, perhaps taking pictures of myself and having me look at them will be a start because there is no way I am able to run away from it and it’ll force me to learn to come to terms with my body.

I hope I’m not too late.

And I know I know I really need a legit camera.

Tschüss (that’s goodbye in German, the informal way. My German sister taught it to me :D)

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