doubts and uncertainty

So the summer vacation has officially come to an unceremonious end. Honestly it feels as though it was only a few weeks ago when I just stepped out the examination hall after taking my last exam (Forensic Psychology) and drooling over 3 glorious months of sleeping, eating and basically just doing whatever I wanted. Of course I had wanted to do an internship, though sadly I didn’t take it as (1) it was unpaid (2) I wasn’t sure if I was passionate enough about the issue of violence against women – as compared to body image advocacy – to be an unpaid intern. Besides, if I took that internship, I would never have gone to Washington D.C to present my research, and also doing qualitative research work for this other university in Singapore – a type of research I’ve never done before – so I suppose that’s a silver lining in itself.

I think all final year university students are facing this moral crisis where they need to start to figure out what is it they want to do exactly, and how to go about doing just that. I know what I want to do, but unfortunately, body image and eating disorders programs just aren’t established here in smitty Singapore. No internships for undergraduates, I’ve been told and no one seems to really put in much attention on this issue which seriously makes me wonder whether the government is more concerned about boosting the economy or about the emotional and psychological well-being of its citizens.

I’ve faced so many disappointing emails that I’m on the verge of giving up entirely. its such an exhausting process. And also a very nerve wrecking one because each rejection email makes me think that I won’t ever get to do what I to do. I’ve been asking for advice from some professors. Hope comes and goes and everything is so tense right now. I’m as nervous as an impending father-to-be and I feel like I want an answer right this very minute. I feel like I’m flying through a free-fall (wait isn’t that from Taylor Swift?) and I don’t know whether I’m going to end up all right.  My mum is pushing for me to go to grad school after I graduate but i haven’t had the heart to tell her that I have other plans in mind before going to graduate school. I think she might burst a blood vessel.

Gah. All this uncertainty is causing me much stress. I don’t know what to do and I feel like I don’t have the patience for anything anymore.

This is frustrating. Plus, I’m NOT looking forward to school one bit. I’m sick of studying. To be honest. I want to be out there raising awareness about body image concerns. Not stuck in a lecture hall and listening to boring lecturers sprout off stuff from the textbook. It just makes me miss all my interesting lessons back in Buffalo and makes me wish I were back there studying instead of here. Whoever said college is the best 4 years of your life is obviously American. Or European. But maybe my best friend, Shu, is right. Maybe this final year is what I need to get things planned and now all I can do is wait and be consistent.

Oh Lord save me from all my pithy worries. And from Singapore’s LACKING BI/ED programs. I’m so sick of this inadequacy someone just please take me away on a rocket right now and fly me to Spain where I can be a Spanish dancer and dance with the gorgeous sunset as my backdrop.

On a final note:

r1

r2

r3

 

Genie, you’re free now.

😦

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